okay. so.

in



dear husband-to-be,




i've been thinking a lot about deal-breakers lately.

i mean what is a deal-breaker?

what is that thing that will make you say to someone else, that's it, my love for you will never overcome this. because isn't love supposed to trump everything?

does love change the rules? and therefore change our set of deal-breakers?

so, do deal-breakers even really exist?

and then i sat next to a man on the train yesterday, and had my clearest thought in weeks: axe as deodorant? deal-breaker.



love,
the woman who is so glad you smell just the way you do. and would've kept walking had you been wearing said deodorant. don't believe me? just try.

happy fat tuesday!

in ,




it's the final day of mardi gras.

the last day to indulge before the lenten period of restriction begins.

what will you be eating today?


i've been waffling between giving up cheese versus the ever-present in my diet, honey and peanut butter. but that's for tomorrow. today, i will consume copious amounts of both!

hmmm. jury's still out.

all i know is i desperately wish i was in venice today. enjoying carnevale. and indulging as only roman catholic italians can!

jeans

in

i liked him immediately.

because he was honest.

and so, i was honest.
immediately.
and yes, we've spoken about ned.
because ned is the answer to so many questions: why am i not acting? why didn't i like juilliard? why and why and on and on.
and where honesty is concerned, ned cannot be avoided.
and the thing is, he doesn't get it. at all.
not. at. all.
and i love that. his lack of understanding.
because it makes me feel healthy. and normal.
and the thing is, it's not for him to understand.
not for anyone, really.
my parent's don't even get it. and they know me better than anyone. and they were there. and for them--because they must heal as well--the process of coming out of this illness is coming to terms with the knowledge that they will never understand. that this thing--this, what i jokingly call ned--is an untouchable part of me.
last night he commented that he's never seen me wear a pair of jeans.
and i mentioned that i don't own any.
and in that moment i realized this was the first of the small things that would reveal ned with a certain, tangible clarity.
i can talk about it all until i'm blue in the face and i can answer all of his questions and it will be... just... words, a lip-service.
but it is the absence of jeans, the fact that i haven't owned a pair in going on four years that will reveal what i cannot--that will give way to his first glimmer of understanding.
but it is not understanding of the disease so much as the understanding that he will never understand.
and this is the understanding i fear.
because today it is a pair of jeans. and tomorrow it is the absence of photos in the family album. and from there... well, from there... i just don't know.

love, love, love.

in , ,
{vic and i remembering to take a picture just as we were saying goodbye. it was freezing last night, can you tell?}

i spent this weekend celebrating valentine's day in the best possible way:

with my girlfriends.

saturday night brought a wine bar followed by dinner followed by sweet treats.

we spoke of boys and success and fear and all those things so important to women in their twenties who are learning and working and figuring it all out.

and when i got home. i turned out my lights, got into bed, and thanked the universe for the love of good women--for their insight and understanding, their strength and support.

and when i talk about my girlfriends yes i mean erin and vic who shared their saturday with me and angela who i always see on sundays and so many others, but you all too--you all who read this silly thing and leave comments that continuously floor me. you all who challenge me and make me want to work harder and fight harder and love more.



so thank you.

and a very merry valentine's day to you.