just ahead.

i went to see someone.

just the other day.

about my... future.

and at the end of our time together she looked at me and said, you have a beautiful life ahead of you.

and never have more comforting words been spoken.

a beautiful life.

she didn't say successful, or happy. contented or lucky.

but beautiful.

and that was just the word i needed to hear.

there are days when i think i've made every possible wrong turn.

when i can sense my parent's growing frustration with my in-between-es.

when i imagine living anywhere other than new york.

but as the night closes in and i find myself with a good book, i think, i could be anywhere else in the world: paris, salzburg, new south whales. i could be lying in bed next to a man. the man. home from the corporate office in which i've found professional success. and yet i'd still be having the same experience.

just me and the story. and no city, no person, no job would change that.

and so for those few minutes before sleep, those few minutes enveloped in a book, there is no reason to fret, no reason to fear, for life is just as it should--just as it always will be.

i was wearing a cnn cap (you know the news network?).

spring skipped new york entirely today.

instead, summer arrived a few months too soon (or at least a few weeks).

but i was determined that zoobie and i would not stay cooped up in the apartment with the air conditioning whirling away. nor would we escape to the bookstore and the comfort of any even bigger central air system.

instead we would go in search of renegade breezes, neigh-neighs (horses), and a lolly-gagging afternoon walk. all to be found in central park.

but after walking, removing again and again our shoes and socks, traipsing up and down countless slides, we. were. pooped. any other day we would have still had some juice in us. but the warm air did us in. and we were ready for naps, both of us.

so i began a circuitous walk home. walking only where there was shade to be found. zoobie was nestled into the stroller a bit like a rag-doll--really back and in the corner. her cheeks were red and we were never far from an eye-rub or a yawn (universal sign of exhaustion). i had a lovely little sweat going. and was hiding behind my beloved red sunglasses and an orange cnn baseball cap.

it was around 80th street that it happened.

it's a funny thing with strollers. when you're pushing one, it's like your part of some club. and you suddenly look at all the other kids and you smile at them and then you smile at the parents and there is this mutual moment of understanding. and because i babysit, i'm an honorary member of said club on the days i take care of my eighteen-month-old-friend.

so back to 80th. i was pushing zoobie and there was another kid in a stroller coming toward us. pushed by their father. their cute father who took a look at zoobie and smiled and then looked at me and smiled, as if to say, cute kid--boy does she look wiped. and i smiled back as if to say, i know, i know. and somewhere in this .3 second exchange i though, oh huh. that's matt damon.

yes, that matt damon.

i'm just gonna thank the gods for that one.

it sure made the dry heat and sweat worth it.

(and i may have looked like a hot mess, but i bet that cnn cap made me look pretty erudite. {and hey, i'll take what i can get}).

"

to let go isn't to forget,

not to think about, or ignore.

it doesn't leave feelings of anger,

jealousy, or regret.

letting go isn't about winning or losing.

it's not about pride

and it's not about how you appear,

and it's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past.

letting go isn't blocking memories

or sinking sad thoughts,

and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.

it's not about giving in or giving up.

letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.

to let go is to cherish the memories,

but to overcome and move on.

it is having an open mind

and confidence in the future.

letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.

to let go is to be thankful for the experiences that

made you laugh, made you cry, made you grow.

it's about all that you have, all that you had,

and all that you will soon gain.

letting go is having the courage to accept change,

and the strength to keep moving.

letting go is growing up.

it is realizing that the heart can sometimes

be the most potent remedy.

to let go is to open a door,

and to clear a path and set yourself free. "

unknown

cousin.

today is my cousin kevin's birthday.

how to describe kevin?

kevin feels like my three-year-old-soul-mate.

does that make sense? not really to me either, but that's the only way i can think to describe it.

he, more than anyone else, calls me out. he reminds me to laugh, to smile, balks at my particular brand of girl-crazy and laughingly guides me back to sanity.

but more than anything else he reminds me that life is fun. it's meant to be fun. and thank god for that.

happy birthday, kevin. and thank you.