ice cream. not all good?

i tend to go through food phases.

and of late i've wanted nothing so much as ice cream.

but on friday night when my friend megan suggested too much ice cream was one of the causes of kidney stones, i took that little nugget of information for the gift that it was:

reason enough to lay off the mint chocolate chip. (for tonight at least).

two bags.

there's one large suitcase sitting next to my bedroom door right now.

and an overstuffed blue tote.

my room is littered with all those things i'm just not sure what to do with.

to take this sock or not?

this piece of paper--can i throw it away?

i know it's only three months. i know that.

and yet.

it just feels so... so long.

and so i pack my life into a large black suitcase and one blue tote.

my life. {deep, long exhale}

i know this is the right thing.

in my gut i know it. i know good things will come from this.

and yet.

i can't imagine the other end.

the three months feel as they might just swallow me whole.

and they might just.

and that's okay.

i know that.

and yet.

i can't bring myself to move that large black suitcase and one blue tote to the hallway from which i'll leave tomorrow morning.

from which i'll open our heavy black door, cross some sort of threshold, and close it quietly so as to not wake the others.

perhaps it's that i'm afraid of who i will be--or won't be, what i will know--or won't know when i return. black suitcase, blue tote in hand.

and right now this little expedition, this... trudging through slush of my own self-doubt and deep-brurried belief, feels awfully lonely.

cookie

it should be noted that i spent all night (yes, all night) attempting to make cookie monster cupcakes.

why, you ask?

as an i'll-see-you-in-three-months gift for little zoobie (my nineteen-month-old friend that i look after a few afternoons each week). she loves cuppycakes which shall here-to-for be called "happy-ahs" (derived from happy birthday, of course) and on top of that she is nuts for all the sesame street characters. most especially: elmo, abby, big bird (bia), and cookie (which she pronounces by simply grunting).

so yes, this one little happy-ah took me all night. hopefully, i'll get a few more turned out. but the others are downright terrifying. can you blame me? remember, i'm not particularly adept with frosting.

note: if you're confused as to why i won't see zoobie for three months it's because i'm off for some fresh-air in utah!

a reminder.

i've posted this before. but i'm beginning to think that when i sit down with my coffee each morning, this should be the first thing i read--as a daily practice, a reminder, the mantra by which all other mantras are eclipsed.

LOVE AFTER LOVE

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

i have a question.

yesterday a black vespa crossed right in front of me.

i was stepping off the sidewalk and it zipped right by. it was so close i could have reached out and touched it.

and so my question is...

if a black cat crossing your path is an "omen of doom" (yes, one website described it as just that, an "omen of doom")

then a black vespa crossing your path is omen of ...

good tidings?

i'm gonna go with that. after all, you know how i love my vespas.

photo still from Roman Holiday