i tried the key in all the doors,

even though he said he didn't recognize it.

it's not that i didn't trust him,

because i did.

it's that at the end of my search

i wanted to be able to say:

i don't know how i could have tried harder.

extremely loud and incredibely close

jonathan safran foer

dear husband-to-be,

yesterday i wore a pair of jeans.

i know, doesn't seem like such a big deal.

but it means you and i will never have that uncomfortable conversation where you say you've never seen me wear any.

and what that really means is... well, everything.

love,

your boot-scoot-and-boggying-blue-jeans-wearin'-little-lady

toast.

i am eating multigrain toast with cheddar cheese right now. and all together it tastes like cinnamon.

hmmm.

the fridge in this temporary apartment from which i pulled my cheddar cheese is awfully full of jam. that's what i caught my attention this morning during the cheese extraction. so much jam. so many jars of jam.

i've noticed this. always a lot of jam in apartments where girls reside. and yet i've never really seen girls eat jam. well, there was this one time that my fried carolyn ordered jam with her toast at a restaurant, but she was following a vegan diet and i pointed out that jam usually has an animal extract in it and everyone at the table gave me a nasty look. and that was that.

i myself like jam. very much. most especially that of the raspberry hero persuasion. and i like my cheese kerrygold. there i said. swedish and irish. i have an international palate.

there's always that moment moving into a new place when someone else's mess becomes your mess and the feeling of disease abates (as in not at ease, not the medical condition). i'm waiting for that.

already it's a wee bit better. i bought myself a lamp from wal-mart. it's silver with a white shade and very classy, if i do say so myself. and i've put a pretty blue sheet and flowering comforter on the raised twin-bed.

it's just that, out of all the jars of jam in the fridge not-a-one is mine.

so this adjusting thing may take a little time.

ps: i can't thank you all enough for your loving comments and emails. the amount of kindness and comfort you have provided me with is deeply humbling. so thank you, thank you, a hundred times over, thank you. and after the first good cry on that first afternoon i've been tear-free. all is well on this end.

okay.

i have arrived in utah where i will be for the next three months.

right now three months seems like an interminable amount of time to spend in a place where i don't really know anyone. in a room that feels awfully tiny, awfully white, and awfully far from home.

but the mountains are large and green and one feels like they might just reach out their hand and actually touch them.

so i'll let the mountains do their work on me. and i'll be okay.

even if i have to cry a bit along the way.

like yesterday. on the plane. because i don't know that i've ever been so frightened. or felt so far away from what i had once imagined for my life.

or like today. because i miss my parents (and some really darn good tex-mex food).

but parents (and lupe's) will be in texas when i return in september.

and new york will be on the cusp of autumn when i finally make it back.

and who knows where life will be. and that's the exciting part, right?

on not eating meat.

so i gave up eating meat going on a year now.

i wouldn't call myself a vegetarian, because if the craving calls, i'll answer.

but for the most part i choose not to partake. and i love how it makes me feel--like i'm doing my small part for the environment. not to mention i'm more confident about what exactly it is i'm putting in my body.

(yes, i take longer to choose an item off the menu. and yes this is a pain for my dining-out companion, but small trade-offs, you know)?

so i've been craving chili for going on two months now. i don't know why i think of it as a summer food--i know, i know, it is a winter food, but there you have it--and my mother graciously accepted the challenge of making vegetarian chili. but not just vegetarian...vegetarian chili sans any kind of canned tomato.

you see, i read this article...the seven foods that should never pass your lips.

and canned tomatos are number one.

it was the same article that had me convincing my mother to get the alaskan salmon at the fish counter yesterday. atlantic salmon is out of the question, i said. it's farm raised--the fish are kept in unbelievably close quarters and fed grains. the alaskan salmon was 13 dollars more per pound, but my mother kindly obliged.

look, i know 13 dollars is a big leap in price. in any economy. but the benefit to the health and environment (in my opinion) far outweighs the cost.

my parents often take all the information i spew with a grain of salt (keep in mind i was raised in a household that had grilled chicken for dinner every night). and you know what? i get it. i get why they're weary of some of the things i have to say. (often because i'm not terribly articulate with the facts). but they've been so supportive and willing to try.

and the thing is... i think this process of reevaluating our food's impact has given us all a little extra to chew on. (euf, bad pun, so bad! but i couldn't resist).

notes:

can't make the leap the becoming a full-time vegetarian? maybe you don't have to. check out this TED video.

and again, please, please peruse the aforementioned article. i've not been able to stop thinking about it since i read it over a month ago.

okay, okay. soapbox/infomercial, whatever this ended up becoming...fin.