maybe i have some gray hair. and maybe i've had it since the eighth grade. maybe i can't listen to nick drake without crying. and maybe there are moments that i think i'll never be pretty enough. never thin enough. maybe i'm selfish. and maybe i'm shy. maybe i'd sit on nothing but barstools for the rest of my life if given the chance. the kind with the red, plush, round top. the kind that spins. maybe the thing i'm most afraid of is not being able to write. the absence of words on a page. and maybe i'm trying. and maybe i'm failing. and maybe and maybe. and a maybe this life is nothing more than the chasing of light through the physical body.
an adventure (vacation?) for the mind.
i came to utah to work on some things. to work on myself, i suppose.
to grow in many directions all at once.
and as i attempt to figure things out, i can feel my mind rearranging itself. taking down all the old books and bowls and folded photos. restructuring. new shelves. different dimensions.
but this restructuring is somewhat... terrifying. i find myself dreaming of things i haven't dreamt of in years. half-nightmares. waking face first in a water-logged pillow struggling to catch my breath.
these dreams, these dreams i can deal with.
it's the slow, inching, creeping of my memory away from me that brings on terror. it's as though someone is covering over the green of the all england tennis club with a protective tarp. that slow and steady cover up--preventing the ping-pong collision of past and present.
and i am left waiting for the rain.
but the brain is pretty smart, no? and it knows when remodeling is in order.
so come on rain. the playing field is protected. and i'm ready for a little slip-and-slide.
a fourth of july three day holiday.
i had the loveliest weekend celebrating america's independence. here in provo it was something of a three day affair.
on saturday i headed with some friends to see the grassroots production of romeo and juliet. actors and performers and the like love to borrow and steal and pay homage to others so we went for ideas. with a cooler of bread, cheese, and grapes there was nothing like sitting on a sloping green hill, mountains all aglow in the distance, having an interactive and very fun shakespeare experience.
then on sunday night a lovely blog-reader jess kindly invited me over for sunday night dinner. we talked and laughed and i felt so included and cared for. nothing like a home cooked meal.(pictures to come).
and then this morning we woke good and early to catch the parade that heads down center street. i must say that when celebrating the fourth, nothing makes my heart go pitter-patter quite like the sight of red, white, and blue: flags. lots, and lots of flags, please. however,sitting in the sun for a few hours has taken it out of me and i am pooped, ready for a nap. (did i mention i have a farmer's tan on precisely one arm. yup, just one).
hoping your weekend was just as wonderful as mine!
rent my nyc apartment!!
i hate defiling this blogspot lover of mine with business but here goes...
i'm looking for someone to sublet my nyc apartment from august 1 to september 15.
the rent is inordinately low considering that it's in manhattan and that the apartment itself is kinda to die for. (did i mention we have views of the hudson?).
it's a two minute walk from the express A train (which means from where i live to columbus circle {59th street} it is only about 20 minutes).
if you're interested for any or all of the time period or just have some questions email me at
fee.meg@gmail.com
he was a persian poet who lived from 1315-1390.
in quotes
in searching for hafiz quotes yesterday morning, i found this one:
All these words are just a front.
What I would really like to do
is chain you to my body,
then sing for days & days & days.
during the daily phone chat with my mother i read it to her.
silence. crickets. and the like.
to which i replied, it's okay mom. i'm 24. i'm young enough to still think that sentiment is unbelievably sexy and still just a wee bit (or a lot) beyond my comprehension. but old enough to sure as hell wanna figure it out.
oh that hafiz. he gets me everytime.