something has happened...

i've been watching damages. the fx show with glenn close and rose byrne. you know it? you should. it's good. it's so good for so many reasons. particularly the first season. the writing, the editing, the colors, the way in which it unravels.

and somewhere amongst its twists and turns and unraveling i became startlingly taken with...wait for it...rose byrne's hair. oh, that hair! the highlights, the ombre effect that's become so popular this season. and suddenly i too, i too want highlights! never before have i felt the need to color my hair. well, okay there was that one time at the end of my fourth year that i did the bottle red and that was disastrous on every possible level, but i don't think my motives were as pure then. and good hair is all about pure motives, right?

the thing is, this need (because that's what it is) couldn't have come at a worst possible time. i don't have time for it. nor money. and yet, it's begun to consume me... suddenly hair everywhere is taunting me. and i like my color. i do, i really do. it's just that. well, that...a little lift to it, a few added dimensions...a little ombre, if you will, seems right up my alley.

image.

clarity

there's this thing that happens when exhaustion takes hold, and i mean really takes hold. when you're so busy that the mind can't keep up--can't wrap itself around all that needs to be done.

things streamline. the mind figures it out what it needs to in any given moment. priorities shift. life drops in.

a job is a job is a job. it pays the bills. accept that. move on.

and insecurities and unnecessary quirks fall away. because you don't have time for them, or rather you don't have the energy to keep up with things that aren't authentically you. but it took becoming this busy, this you-want-to-burrow-in-bed-all-day-following-fourteen-consecutive-hours-of-jobs-that-pay-the-bills, for you to really get it--for you to drop into yourself all the more.

and you like the clarity that comes when the mind doesn't have the energy to over-think to the point of muddle.

so you soldier on. because this is all experience.

a reminder.

some stories don't
have a clear beginning,
middle, and end. life
is about not knowing,
having to change,
taking the moment and 
making the best of it,
without knowing what's 
going to happen next.
delicious ambiguity...






gilda radner

delicious ambiguity. mmm. perfection.

last week i got home at two in 

the morning knowing i had to be back

 at work at 8 am. 

and it was this quote messaged  

to me by camilla 

that kept me going.

physique 57: a two week update for you.

there have been two times in the last few weeks when i have forgotten to eat.

and i never forget to eat. not ever.

because i really like food. like, a lot.

but twice i've had the thought to grab breakfast. and then i'm out the door and i realize there's nothing in my stomach but i don't really have time to stop and think about it so i just keep going.

and this is how i know that i'm busy. i mean. really, really busy.

my schedule is color-coded for the first time in my life.

i have a color for babysitting. and a color for my new job. at another restaurant. which i have so many feelings about. because i'm starting to feel like it's time to jump-start my life. and so while i'm thankful for the work and the money and the surprisingly kind people, it's another restaurant. another restaurant. and hostess, babysitter, these are not careers i want to pursue. i want to be more. but...well...this is another tale fore another day. i digress. the point is i have a color for each of my many jobs and i have a color for exercise.

i'm in the middle of the monthly unlimited at physique 57. and i'm trying to get to class four to five times a week. and i don't exactly live close to either studio so it's always an event. just to get there it's an event. then there's the issue of finding a class that works around my many jobs.

this is all to say that right now my life feels a bit like a jig-saw puzzle. how can i make it all fit?

and so it would be easy to cut down on the exercise.

but i can't. i won't. nope. i love it.

there. i said it.

holy moly. i love it.

and i know it's good for me. even if it makes walking up and down the stairs difficult at times. even if i'm sore all over (at times). even if i'm absolutely, completely, unutterably ravenous, all. the. time. (which makes the fact that i've twice forgotten to eat all the more bewildering).

you want to know why i like it?

well. it's like the class takes everything i've worked so hard to learn over the last couple of years and makes it tangible. physicalizes it. it is metaphor made manifest in my body.

1. i can't compare myself to anyone else. i want to. and i try to. often. but at the end of the day the journey is my own. it doesn't matter if my leg is higher than that of the girl next to me--that doesn't mean a damn thing. no one else knows if i've gotten better or can feel if i'm curling my abs in a way that i've never done before. success is personal.

2. as you continue class after class, the pain doesn't cease. but it changes. it becomes tolerable. you can sit in it (or squat in it, as it turns out. and you will. oh my god, you will) for ten seconds then twenty then thirty. and isn't that just like life? we learn to tolerate the ups and downs--the departures from the base line. we learn to run into those moments, to really dig into them. because those are the moments of great change. and growth. and once we learn to really fully experience those moments things become a bit easier. a bit more exciting. a bit more... worthwhile.

did i say a bit? i meant a sh*t-ton.

i'm not going to tell you that the class has transformed my body in the little over two weeks i've been doing it. and i'm not going to post before and after pictures (as it turns out, there is a limit to how much i'm willing to put up on the internet)  because it's not really about that. yes, while the possibility of thinner thighs is endlessly exciting (though i think it's gonna take a bit longer than two weeks)  it's about my health. physical and mental. it's about increasing bone density and cognitive function. it's about a sense of personal accomplishment. and self-worth. self-worth more than anything else.

(picture from new saturday morning tradition of post-physique whole foods health-bar lunch)


ps: GO YANKS!

monday morning revelation.

you think you're immune to such things as the dreamy doctor in blue scrubs.

you're not susceptible to such cliches. you're...(dare you say it), better than that.

and one morning you wake up and life is as it's always been.

and you climb the hill to subway. the hill that you've climbed so many times before.

and then there in the distance, on the corner, is the cut of a man. a man in that unmistakable blue. and you get it. you finally get that thing that has for so long eluded you. and as edith piaf would say, heaven have mercy.

and everything is different and life has humbled you. because yes. yes. you too love the cliche.