getting to know manhattan.

new york was awash in tourists this holiday season. and when i say new york i really mean midtown--for it is midtown to which the tourists flock. to see the tree at rockefeller center. to see times square and its countless billboards. to see the lights and tall buildings. 

and i get it. i do, i get it.  and yet a part of me wants to shout out to them: no, this is not it. not here. this is not new york!

you know that scene in funny face where audrey hepburn sneaks off to an underground cafe? and it's dark and infused with smoke and she dances wildly to beatnik music surrounded by frenchmen wearing berets? well. take away the smoke. and transplant it here across the atlantic. and well, i suppose that's the new york i'm always in search of. 

(when in new york i want to eat at  restaurants i'll find nowhere else in the world. and see things that will never be replicated on some las vegas strip).

but i suppose that says more about me than the city. 

you know where i'd tell the tourists to go? where i'd suggest you might explore?  the parks. to riverside. and fort tryon. to central park, yes. and the conservatory gardens. and as of today, inwood hill.

my lovely friend kate and i headed to inwood (the northern-most part of manhattan) to wander around it's 196.4 acres (which they say looks not so different than when peter minuet bought the island from the dutch all those years ago). i've always wanted to go but been hard pressed to find a friend willing to make the trek. not kate. she was up to it--she's always up for a little adventure (and it certainly doesn't hurt that she's one of the funniest and most intelligent friends i have). 

the park was aglow with orange. snow still on the ground. and the hudson glimmering in the distance. and all city, you know? still new york. still manhattan. 

kate pointed out deer tracks and we talked as girls do who haven't seen each other in a year. and january got a little bit better. and manhattan gets cell service everywhere (even in the middle of a natural forest). 

the girl with the patchwork heart: a story (a hope)

sometimes she could feel it coming towards here before she ever saw it.
she would feel the rattle in her bones, look up and watch it approach.
a swift sweep across the horizon. a runaway train.
coming for her.
and she was helpless.
simply had to stand there and await its impact.
such was attraction.
most of the time she could ferret it out before it overwhelmed her.
she learned to read the signs.
dark curls of the hair. mischievous sidelong-glances. brooding dispositions. a kindred sadness. long eyelashes and deep-set eyes. strong hands and broad shoulders.

but this. this was altogether something new. different.
this had caught her totally by surprise.
she turned around one day and there it was.

he was good.
it was his goodness.
palpable. quietly radiating.
simple and pure.
and she wanted to touch it.
she wanted to reach out.
place palm against chest and feel it.
to know it with her fingertips.

but she knew.
wherever--however the attraction began.
despite pure intentions and good beginnings it carried in it the seeds of great heartbreak.
and she had loved so often. outwardly. in so many directions at once.
been forced to patch her heart together with nothing but scraps of twine and discarded threads.
and so she couldn't imagine.
couldn't imagine how heartbreak was not the inevitable end.

so she closed her mouth. stopped talking. bent her head as he approached.
tried desperately to preserve what little she had.

and yet.
she wondered.
if he might show her.
an alternate ending.

photo.

january plows (bulldozes, rather) on.

it was not a great day. i won't bore you with the details (because in the grand scheme of thing--they're all just details) but let's just say: it. was not. a great. day.

it certainly doesn't help that i got a wee of a pinpoint headache two days before the new year which grew and grew and grew and then seemed to explode on the first of january. but with a little medicine and a good night of sleep it passed.

but alas it appeared again. this morning. on the opposite side.

i get these headaches  at the back of my head to the right and the left of the occipital joint. (yup, i said occipital joint--that's juilliard schooling for you, i did learn some impressive things).

go ahead and google search pinpoint headaches. occipital pinpoint headaches, at that. and see how you feel after reading some of the literature out there. (this is why doctors tell patients not to google. and not to panic).

so i'm not panicking. because it's probably just stress. (and january).

yup, it's probably just january.

because perhaps the things that made today so... very-not-good... will--in the end--prove bountiful blessings:

the gift of time. the impetus to move on from relationships that are no longer meaningful. the courage to take risks.

time will tell. and tomorrow is a new day.

(and yes, i dare say january is the practice-round for the rest of the year--it's okay if it's something of a disaster. in fact, why not fail a lot now?).

2011 (two day update).

you think i'd be worried about 2011.

based on its auspicious beginnings.

like opening my closet saturday morning to falling storage containers and the fear of a broken collar bone. or leaving the grocery store only to realize several blocks later that i'd left the groceries behind. then there was the falling down the entrance steps of my apartment building. and the loss of one of my favorite earrings. all this and the seeds of minor heartbreak (from afar, no less--and most likely imagined {the worst and most cowardly of all }).

but i'm not worried. no siree.

i'm gonna chock all this up to january. (january and i have never been friends).



okay. okay. i'ts all a-okay.

happy new year!

i have so many new years resolutions for this next year.

not because there's so much that i want to change.

but because suddenly there's so very much that seems possible.