the head and the heart: encore.

lord knows i love the head and the heart. having seen them last february i was particularly struck by some of the lyrics this go round. how simple the syntax and profound the thought.

this go round jonathan russel came out and sang a solo song as part of the encore.

and i found the song itself--with its potent words--one of the most captivating moments in the night.

(so enjoy this video i found on youtube). and a very happy thursday to you all.
is it muggy where you are? new york has been mugged in (let's call it that, shall we?) for like two weeks now and i'm desperate for fall to return.

eight words.

i was walking across the park two mornings ago. the air warm, sticky--battling off fall's advance.

i shuffled along the cobblestones lining central park south lost in thought--lost in a mess of thoughts, a tangle of half-formed, ill-informed notions, no one clear or strong. and i was swimming. taking laps in the discomfort of it all when one surfaced, thrummed up and through. came out before i even knew what was what was happening.

clear as day and eight words.

it was a prayer.

God, grant me the courage to be happy. 


and from my body there went a little bit of air. oh. so that's my great wish. the courage to be happy. 


i didn't pray for happiness, didn't ask for the thing itself. my plea was for the courage.

the courage to pursue happiness.

sadness is known territory. it is a settling back on one's heel. it is a falling inward that comes naturally and takes little to no work. that's not entirely true, it takes a great deal of work, but the work is easy and deceptively alluring.

happiness, well, happiness demands that i be bold. demands that i say yes (most especially when i don't want to). it demands that i value myself enough to feel worthy of happiness.

ay, there's the rub. there's the tricky, unsettling part: it demands that i value myself enough to feel worthy of happiness. why is that so hard, to say, i am worth fighting for? this good thing, it's okay that i want it. and it's okay that i might get it. 


the prayer, that monday morning prayer, was an answer, an affirmation in and of itself. it was illumination.

the courage to be happy. fight for happiness.

but in riding the train home last night, clinging to my little prayer, there came a bit more.

relax into it.

fight for happiness. be bold. say yes. and then relax into it. ride the wave. recognize that this thing you think is terrifying might actually be thrilling. and you'll look back in ten years and wonder where that feeling went--that one that you're fighting so hard against right now--and you'll find yourself praying for a way to get it back. imagine that. so enjoy it. live in it. revel in the unknown and uncertain and the delicious discomfort of it.

and know that you're worth it.







(post script: know that in reading this over i started to cry. and i'm not entirely sure why. perhaps because as true as i know this all to be, there are moments where it is so very hard. to fight and not know and not understand why what's happening is happening. life is hard, you know?).

i was going to wake up and post something brilliant.

i reorganized my room instead. (it looks like a disaster now, but the day is calling and i must hence...).

meet back here tomorrow?

xo
meg

ferreting out friday (on monday, as it is).

i always know when i'm getting sick because i feel like i can't breathe. a constriction of air in the chest. panic. that's always where it begins. lack of breath. tightness in the chest.

{i'm be the girl lathered in vick's vapo rub even before the first grumbling of the stomach flu}. no relation. those two things have no relation. so my mind moves.

this go round it was strep. and something about sickness...it makes me so terribly lonely. suddenly i'm eight again, but there's no one there to rub my back until i fall sleep.

thus i was a miserable human being this weekend. and i'm still a bit batty--feeling like the medication should be working faster.

but a patience is a virtue. just not my virtue. {le sigh}. i'm working on it.

(so let's pretend i posted what follows last friday. we can all imagine, can't we?)...




i really like portugal. the man. (the band). so much so that i find myself trolling their facebook page and enjoying this, this, and mostly this. (don't think i haven't slept on a chocolate bar myself. i was so confused when i woke up).

seeing these guys at the bowery ballroom this week. so much has changed since i saw them last february. will be interesting to mark the passage of time while listening to their gorgeous words.

did you catch the season premiere of parks and recreation? it may or may not be true that all of my references (and best jokes) are now directly related to this show.

the kettle can wait, indeed.

happiness is...

this song is on repeat. repeat. repeat.

some version of a fall uniform, perhaps?

really craving an excuse to get dressed up.

don't know who to credit this photo to.

would very much like to as it is some

form of heaven in picture form.

to my one-day coffee cohort:

sometimes i go to call out to you. sitting in my plump reading chair with my coffee on the desk and a large bowl of oatmeal before me--flax seeds, blueberries, almonds and all. and i read something. sitting there  i come across some words that draw all the breath from my body and i stretch my arms to the sky, and my toes to the wall and there is this impulse:

babe. i want to call out. i want to turn my head to you, babe, listen to this. these words...have you ever heard anything so remarkable?


and then i remember that you're not there. and i could be sad. but i'm not. because you will be. soon enough, you will be.



love, love,

me

photo.