week: oh hell, i've lost count, i don't even know anymore.

i just know that someday i'll look back on this last month, hard as it's been, as a formative moment in my life. as a time when i began to love the city as i once imagined i might. when things though small and new felt vibrant and important. when happiness grew and deepened even as i spent nearly every long subway ride taking deep breaths and fighting back tears. it's two in the morning now and i can't sleep because i'm mourning the last six years of my life. does that sound ridiculous? there's just this sense that that chapter is closing. and i should be down on my knees giving thanks for that and i am, dear heaven above, i am. it was an impossible time. and i would never go back--could never go back. and i've been coming out of it for a good long while now and i just... holy hell, there are no words for this. and even if there were, perhaps they are not mine. too sacred to share, somehow. i can't say that this next chapter will be any easier. and i sure as heck don't know what it holds, everything still feels murky and dark and totally unknown, but suddenly there is a forward motion that wasn't there before. and the only way to move on is to let go of what was. and while it was awful and terrible and i'm certainly not proud of the person i was for such a good chunk of that time, it was still formative and important. and so even as i celebrate the future, i must mourn what was. two truths, one in each hand. happy and sad. past and future. a balancing act of the two. (have i mentioned i'm a libra?).

decide what to be and go be it. * 




*the avett brothers (of course).

"Time is tricky. You have whole months, even years, when nothing changes a speck, when you don't go anywhere or do anything or think one new thought. And then you can get hit with a day or an hour, or half a second, when so much happens, it's almost like you are born all over again into some brand-new person you for damn sure never expected to meet."

E.R. Frank

music for your morning.

a boy in a bar recently told me the type of music i love means i got a little texas left in me yet. i fell in love with him for that alone. ask me about the time i drew the lone star state's shape on the palm of a man's hand. i was explaining the panhandle and the gulf. his hand in mind was heaven. 

funny that it's only just now after nearly eight years in this city,  that i'm coming to learn about and love the low-country gal upon which the rest of me is built. 

look again, looks deceive, i'm a little bit earthy and a little bit wild. 

i digress...to the music: 

(just for kicks, an added {kickass} bonus)...

dinner.

i had an almond-milk-latte for dinner, tonight. well, that and a large chocolate-chip cookie from the baked-goods section of whole foods. i mean, okay so it was vegan and surely that counts for something?  but in terms of sugar...loaded and isn't that the front i'm trying to cut back on?

funny thing is, i was actually quite hungry--the kind of odd sits-under-your-ribs-painful kind of hunger. but nothing spoke to me. i circled the salad bar, weight the couscous versus quinoa versus my usual go-to of crispy falafel bites. even wandered over to the pizzas.

not one thing appealed.

well, one thing: sugar.

it was stress. the stress called out for it. and for something warm to hold between the hands. the fact that i could dip the cookie into the warm drink? icing on the cake, icing on the cake.

it was my second latte of the day.

the first was mid-afternoon. an attempt to combat a cloying exhaustion. the second, proverbial icing for the stress sugar in cookie form.

forgive yourself this dinner. forgive yourself this moment. those were my thoughts standing in the middle of whole foods, readying to head downtown for the first rehearsal in the actual space.

and you know what? i did. immediately i did. i granted myself forgiveness. and few things have felt better.

after all, i had spent my day making pretty good choices (raw savory coconut rounds and all). and given that i wasn't holding a box of entemenan's pop-ems, i figured this choice wasn't all that bad. could be worse.

balance and moderation. and forgiveness.

linking up and such.

the above illustration is by Faye West. how gorgeous is her artwork? (her blog).

a brilliant article on chris brown and the message the media (or is the music industry? or maybe, both?) is sending to women by touting him as some sort of comeback-kid. (kudos to Zooey Deschanel and all the women of Hello Giggles for posting such exemplary content).

i really am half-in-love with this woman. and all the way there full-on-smitten with her words. in fact i'm thinking of taking her on as my life-coach, if she'll have me, of course.

as a firm believer that healthy eating is in large part experimentation--trial and error--figuring out what works now and why, i'm really thinking of giving this woman's i quit sugar program a go.  (i already bought and am loving her ebook). there is startling new stuff coming out suggesting that sugar is a toxin that must be regulated like alcohol and other drugs. i tend to trust this science more than others because no one really has any money to gain by advocating we drastically cut back on sugar. (think an end to processed foods as we know them, oh the money that would cost the country! but oh the boon to the quality of life!).

a little video for the play i'm in which opens on thursday (euf). {and yes, the bags under my eyes were less than ideal, but i was about three weeks into a crippling cold when that video was shot. my vanity request that you keep that in mind}.

i bought this print today. and am waiting for this one in the mail. i expect my next apartment will be filled mostly by books and framed words.

as for music i'm working on putting together a playlist, but for now, i'm stuck on this avett brother's tune (heaven help me, i'd like to make love inside that harmony) and this dawes anthem (on a separate but somehow related note, i'm thinking of finding myself a mountain man. plain shirts, rough hands and all).


and now for a little business: when there is time and i return to this corner of the internet i plan on writing about (1) food and my continuously changing relationship to it. (2) acting and why i stepped away from it and how i now regard the medium. and (3) what i did during the Super Bowl.

actually i can answer that last one now: i went to target. yes, you heard that right. super bowl sunday found me at a target in the bronx. i always go somewhere that is usually crowded in an uncomfortable way, because when the super bowl is on that all changes. whole foods and fairway (both grocery stores here in new york) are other favorites for that one night. 

i also plan on getting back to posting photos and sharing the ins-and-outs of life here on the island.

i thank you all (you readers, you) for your continued support and encouragement and patience with me as i give the blog a little less time while pursuing other passions.

xo
meg