whoa boy. it's been a while, since i've done this, no? good news is, part of the reason i've not had much time for this corner of the internet has much to do with getting to know new york all the more.
my bed is unmade. the laundry is piled high in the corner. i've had more to drink in the last few weeks than i have in the last few years (keep in mind, that's not saying much, i'm not really a drinker. but still.). i raced through all of season two of downton abbey because pbs is only meant to have it online for like ten days more--most of that racing was done in the wee hours of the morning after long nights and longer days. i had my tarot cards read nearly a week ago and i keep thinking about it, which, as it turns out, was the one thing i was warned against--over-thinking (me, an over-thinker? nah). i cracked my iPhone two days ago, was nearly attacked on the subway (wrong place, wrong time. not to worry that'll be a story i'll give more detail when time allows), was half-jokingly proposed marriage to (i half-jokingly accepted), and when forced to answer, listed utah as my happy place (a park city ski vacation is just around the corner. but is there snow out there?).
i didn't know i'd fall so desperately in love with being busy--didn't know i wouldn't mind having no time to myself in the morning, no time to leisurely enjoy my latte or read a book or sit down and put pen to paper. didn't know i wouldn't mind forfeiting certain things in exchange for others. didn't know i wouldn't mind leaving the house in the morning only to return eighteen hours later--too much of that spent on the subway. always too much on the subway. it's a whole different thing when you're busy with things that mean just a bit more.
i have friends who are doing exceptional things. tv shows and broadway productions and major motion pictures. friends who are getting engaged, married, having children. and so it may not seem like much, a tiny little play in a scrappy downtown theatre space. but after four years of not acting, well, it may not be a lot. but it's something.
forgive yourself the nights you climb into bed full-face of makeup, too tired to take it off. forgive yourself the days when one latte is not enough, when the two major food groups are coffee and sugar. forgive yourself that one night when at two am you woke to use the bathroom and inhaled an entire chocolate bar instead. forgive the time spent with a man you now have not one nice thing to say about. and forgive just how long it took to get over him. he was not good and not kind and he is not your fault. keep some secrets closer. forgive yourself for actually loving the gentle curve of your hips. and to hell with a society which suggests you might not or should not. they herald your womanhood, the man you marry will lose himself in them, they will hoist groceries and children. they are sturdy--anchoring you firmly to this earth. forgive the nights you cannot sleep--sadness or some unnamed force pressing heavy on your chest. forgive the mistakes of the last several years. so you made them. okay. enough. move on. the mistakes and the fault-lines, they are the foundation. forgive yourself that you did not choose an easier path. and forgive yourself the sadness you caused those around you. the broken-promises and cutting words and the things left unsaid. fear was large and biting. forgive the anger you feel. feel it and then look again with kinder eyes. forgive yourself for not handling it all better, for feeling like you let others down. the path is not done, the road is not finished, why are you trying so hard to rush the whole thing? celebrate the fact that your story has some major departures. go ahead and use that expensive serum that promises to diminish those fine lines. protect and preserve your skin. but when the day does come when forehead creases no longer fade into the background, give thanks. humanity made visible! you will be loved all the more for this. you will love yourself all the more for this. and please, for the love of all that is good and holy forgive yourself for loving a man who cannot love you back. love him anyway. send that love into the world and let it fill you up. the only way to know the story is to go out and and write it. live your way into it. ferociously. begin to live and work and fight and love with an unparalleled ferocity. let fear dictate nothing. unfurl your chest, you have all the armor you'll ever need. see with wide eyes and don't forget to laugh.
photo by Emma Hartvig
i just know that someday i'll look back on this last month, hard as it's been, as a formative moment in my life. as a time when i began to love the city as i once imagined i might. when things though small and new felt vibrant and important. when happiness grew and deepened even as i spent nearly every long subway ride taking deep breaths and fighting back tears. it's two in the morning now and i can't sleep because i'm mourning the last six years of my life. does that sound ridiculous? there's just this sense that that chapter is closing. and i should be down on my knees giving thanks for that and i am, dear heaven above, i am. it was an impossible time. and i would never go back--could never go back. and i've been coming out of it for a good long while now and i just... holy hell, there are no words for this. and even if there were, perhaps they are not mine. too sacred to share, somehow. i can't say that this next chapter will be any easier. and i sure as heck don't know what it holds, everything still feels murky and dark and totally unknown, but suddenly there is a forward motion that wasn't there before. and the only way to move on is to let go of what was. and while it was awful and terrible and i'm certainly not proud of the person i was for such a good chunk of that time, it was still formative and important. and so even as i celebrate the future, i must mourn what was. two truths, one in each hand. happy and sad. past and future. a balancing act of the two. (have i mentioned i'm a libra?).
decide what to be and go be it. *
*the avett brothers (of course).
"Time is tricky. You have whole months, even years, when nothing changes a speck, when you don't go anywhere or do anything or think one new thought. And then you can get hit with a day or an hour, or half a second, when so much happens, it's almost like you are born all over again into some brand-new person you for damn sure never expected to meet."
E.R. Frank
