what i'm eating (day two)

after my posts on attempting to eat as little sugar as possible and why (one, two, three, four) one of the common questions was would i show what i eat on a daily basis. what follows is my best attempt…

(i really mean it when i say i believe in full-fat lattes. they get me going each morning. i believe in the ritual that is coffee--making it, as well as drinking it).

(i'm a big snacker. and some days my meals are more snacks than anything else).

(st andre cheese is my absolute favorite in all the world. and upon occasion i'll get it cheap from trader joe's and treat myself).

(i have this dish all. the time. i get the shaved brussel sprouts from trader joe's, chop them up just a bit more, add olive oil and salt, parmesan cheese {or any sort of hard, shaved cheese}, and a toasted nut {pine nuts and almonds are my favorite}. this is also a dish that could happily take some avocado chunks).

(before bed i took a warm bath and had a latte {DECAF!}. it feels important to say that there was quite a bit of joy taken in soaking in the warm water with a warm drink in hand. oftentimes we turn to food for comfort when a good book, a good bath, a lit candle, and the like are as just as much--if not more--value).

i cannot tell a lie

i think now about how you asked me if i did it on my own. alone. or if i surrounded myself. warm bodies as protection, distraction.

and i must have half-smiled. taken a deep breath. tilted my head to the ground. looked away, even as we walked together, the same direction compelling us forward.

i knew if i was honest it'd be years before we'd meet again.

but i cannot tell a lie. and even if i could, i figured it was a lie that would bury us in that illusory thing that is borrowed time.

so i gave you the single greatest truth i now hold:

i did it on my own. 

and another before-and-after erupted before us. an uncrossable, impassable, impossible line.

and now i watch from a distance, and only upon occasion, as you thrust and flail and do it exactly as i did not, but in the only way you know how--for now. because time moves differently for each of us.

and i must forgive you for this.

for seeking comfort in familiar cutouts that bear no resemblance to my own.

now i wonder if you'll ever come back. and mostly fear you will.

and that when you do i will know too much and have seen too much and my answer will be the saddest and deepest and bluest bruise of a no.

what i'm eating (day one)

after my posts on attempting to eat as little sugar as possible and why (one, two, three, four) one of the common questions was would i show what i eat on a daily basis. what follows is my best attempt...

(is this a surprise?!)

(just for a point of reference, i ate the entire avocado. and i always toast the nuts i eat--always!--it brings out their flavor in new and exciting ways).

(i was due for a free momofuku latte, so i got myself a big iced one on the way to the grocery store. i average about two lattes per day).

(ancient harvest quinoa pasta with chopped tomatoes and about a tablespoon of pesto sauce. i have found that in drastically cutting back on sugar food products with nuts built into them always taste sweet in a really exciting way--the pesto {which has pine nuts in it} was a delightfully sweet treat and yet it had no sugar in it {i checked the label}).

(sometimes at the end of the day, or even in the middle of the day, i'll boil some water and let it cool before pouring it into a mug and adding two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar. i always use the Bragg brand--and i shake before using. i don't do this often--i'd like to do it more. usually it's done when i'm digging my heels in and trying to be make really positive choices).

(not pictured: about two handfuls of pita chips between lunch and dinner and a slice of toast with butter quite late into the night {i couldn't sleep}).

my goal is to show you what i eat over the course of seven days (i imagine a few dining companions will be surprised when i photograph everything i eat, but...such is life). so keep your eyes open for that. and keep the questions coming...

my new york

daydreaming on the train

i thought you sat down on the train next to me today.

for a moment, i thought you sat down next to me.

{and i couldn't breathe.}

there was something about how the man shifted in his seat and held his hands and tugged at his sweater that made me think he might be you.

and i looked up at his reflection in the subway window across the way and right away i could see it wasn't you.

{and a little bit of air escaped between my lips.}

but damn if the way in which he tilted his head didn't feel like you.

and so i nearly didn't believe it--couldn't believe it. so much did i both want and need and fear he might be you that i made liars of my eyes.

and sitting there, next to a total stranger, i nearly reached for his knee, nearly pressed my shoulder into his, half-expected him to take my hand.

because if all i could get was a shadow of you, a ghost of you, an i'll-just-close-my-eyes-and-pretend-version-of-you i'd take it.

if i couldn't have you, i'd take someone who felt like you--even, and if only, for a moment.

i'd take ten minutes, on the train, next to a total stranger, and a sliver of a daydream.