my new york | the one with street art, full coffee shops, and hanging lights everywhere

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My good, good friend Alisha and I met for coffee this afternoon. I suggested Peels because it was warm enough out that we'd be able to grab lattes-to-go and then wander. Waiting for her to arrive, I hung out on the corner just outside the restaurant. Funny thing about New York, there are certain places in the city that make me feel so very uncool. When I was in college it was any part of SOHO. Now, it turns out, it is the corner just outside Peels on the Lower East Side. The New Yorker in me was born and bred on the Upper West Side--where sweaters and button-downs and penny loafers are still, by-and-large, the norm. And coming from Texas--where women wear pearls and men gingham shirts... well, my style leans toward a certain blue-blooded-Americana. Sure, every once and a while I'll pull on an oversized hat or some distressed biker-boots, but if you drop me off in certain parts of downtown Manhattan or Brooklyn, I mostly feel wildly out of place--like everyone is in costume and I've missed the memo.

 

Today I discovered that the corner outside Peels is one such place--a place where everyone seems to be just a little too good looking--where everyone knows each other and wears expensive retro sunglasses and Native-American-inspired-caftans. It's the sort of corner populated by people who seem to ooze too-cool-for-school.

 

And here's the thing, as I get older, I have less and less patience for just those sort of people. Because the hipster thing has happened. Am I the only one who's ready to see what happens when hipster grows up? An evolution or aging process is in order, no?

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'd take authentic over glamorous any day of the week.

 

I've gotten off topic.

 

This is all to say, that when  Alisha arrived, I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her in the opposite direction.

 

The air had quickly turned from cool to cold and it seemed that every coffee shop we passed was packed--the people looking all cozy and warm (and firmly planted) inside. Which is how we found ourselves in the basement of a coffee shop in Chinatown.

 

I like Alisha because she doesn't have time for the nonsense of "cool" either. Also, she's one of the very smartest people I know (she was home-schooled, so a huge kudos to her parents).

 

In that tiny coffee shop basement we grooved to good music, and sipped lattes, and talked about life's big things. She groaned when I told her how I lacked a certain amount of courage when doing something-that-as-of-yet-will-not-be-discussed-here, and I smiled as she told me about the first time she ever laid eyes on the man she's now married to. And then we talked about faith--faith in a higher power, in ourselves, in the lives we're now living, and in the people we hope to be.

 

And then we wandered--me with the big camera, her with her good eye for street graffiti.

 

I think the very best thing about my very favorite girlfriends here in New York is that when we're together we're constantly mistaken for tourists. And we're okay with that. We treat the city like it's an explorer's adventure.

 

No room, nor time for cool. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

" "

  You are so good. So good, you're always feeling so much. And sometimes it feels like you're gonna bust wide open from all the feeling, don't it? People like you are the best in the world, but you sure do suffer for it.  | Silas House

 

Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground. | Rumi

 

For our hearts are not pure; our hearts are filled with need and greed as much as with love and grace; and we wrestle with our hearts all the time. The wrestling is who we are. How we wrestle is who we are. What we want to be is never what we are. Not yet. Maybe that's why we have these relentless engines in our chests, driving us toward what we might be.  | Brian Doyle

 

The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away. | Alysia Harris

 

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body 

love what it loves. | Mary Oliver

 

The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself. | St. Augustine

 

 

letters to men (about women)

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A week ago my good friend sent me the following article by Danielle Laporte and I've been thinking about it ever since. It then got me thinking about something I'd come across about a year ago (and for the life of me I can't trace it back to the original source). Both are letters to men about women. But one is by a woman (Danielle) and one is by a man (Big Poppa E?). And I think there's quite a bit of truth and beauty to both. Which is why I wanted to share them here.

 

**I'd like to again repeat, neither of these pieces was written by me. And if discussion of sex (with a little bit of language) is not your thing, than I suggest you skip this one.**

Dear Dudes… What Good Women want to say to Good Men

The texts between my girlfriends and I about relationships and dudes (boyfriends, lovers, husband types, fantastical obsessions…) are so juicy I’m thinking about making them into a book. You know I’m serious. Those text trails could make shy men blush and illuminate nations.

Good Women are fiercely protective of each other, so when there’s a problem or massive potential for pleasure, we’d love to get in there and make it all right – divine meddling. We imagine going straight to the Good Man who’s in our friend’s life and letting them in on a few things — things that would help him win her heart, things that would help him get his shit together. Things that would… make shy men blush and illuminate nations.

What follows is a censored version of what my circle of Good Women know to be true. It’s very hetero, but potentially universal. It specifically applies to those men who, without reservation, we’d call Good Men — the ones who are really, clearly, resoundingly worth what Good Women have to give.

Dear Dudes,

1. If you’re still hung up on your ex, get over your ex. Do not proceed to a new chick until you are over your ex. Because that would be lame. And messy.

2. Most women will wonder if they’re going to sleep with you or marry you within 24 hours of meeting you. (More like 24 minutes.) Don’t let it scare you. As Mumford & Sons put, we will “love with urgency, but not with haste.”

3. If you want to know what gifts to get her, just ask her girlfriend.Because not only do we know just what she wants, we know where to get it. Your priority is to please her, not to look clever. It’s really simple: just get her what she wants… she’ll be more impressed that you made it happen.

4. A Good Woman is your biggest fan. Really, really, REALLY. Even when she’s telling you that you let her down, or that she can’t believe that you forgot whatever, she is so rooting for you to be your strongest, sexiest, coolest you. Your rising is what she craves.

So, when she hints or hollers about how you might, say, improve on something, consider that she sees your wholeness and is calling it forward.

5. Know what you want. Indecisiveness can be a total turn off. Brood, pace, toil if you need to. But just make up your fucking mind. She won’t necessarily agree. But she’s going to relax a bit — and you want her to relax. If she has to try to make your mind up for you, she will feel depleted and agitated. A sense of direction = comfort.

6. Mixed signals are like, so high school. Don’t tell her you that you “can see a future together” but that you’re too busy to talk more than once a week.

7. She better be a bigger priority than your mother. Because that’s how it works when you’re a grown up.

8. She wants you to take control more often. You will have to learn what this means, together. It’s like dancing: You lead her by feeling her. If you don’t feel her, you can’t lead.

and 8 1/2….

In order to feel her, you will have to be present. Being present for her will uplift every single area of your life, for the rest of your life.

9. You know that time you got her a Vitamix? Okay, she wanted that, for sure, big points. But you need to get her something sexy in addition to the practical stuff. Ask her girlfriend.

10. A vibrator in a box is just a vibrator in a box. If you’re going to buy her sex toys you don’t get the points until you get them out and actually use them — together. If she’s not into them, it doesn’t mean she’s a prude. It might just means she wants more of you and your intimacy.

11. If she says that she feels that you watching porn without her feels like you’re cheating on her — believe her, and cut that shit out. If she says that she wants porn on the menu — believe her, and get it on the menu.

12. She is very aware that blow jobs are your answer to most relationship questions. If you’re more present with her, you’ll probably get a lot more answers.

13. If at noon you ask her where she’d like to go for dinner that night and she changes her mind at 5 o’clock, she wasn’t lying, she just changed her mind. (This applies to most changes she makes — she’s not lying, she’s… changeable. And this fluidity is a big gift to your life, BTW. Go with it.)

14. If you think she’s testing you — she probably is. It’s a survival instinct.

15. To varying degrees, she cares what her friends think about you. She should.

16. Come up from behind and hold and kiss her. Do it a lot.

17. Looking for an engagement ring is some serious business. You need to do it together, and even then you probably need to bring in reinforcements (Call the girlfriends).

18. She’ll wait for you. (But don’t “make” her wait. That kind of testing is corrosive.)

19. She knows that you’ve got what it takes. She believes in your pure incredible truthly kingly awesomeness.

20. She sees things you haven’t even considered yet. Incredible things.

21. Make reservations. Seriously. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just planned.

Dude, I’m rooting for you.

Love, Danielle xo

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christmas in the suburbs

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Everyone always talks about--romanticizes--Christmas in New York City and I get it. Really, I do. But after living in Manhattan for so very many years, I gotta tell you, for me there is a magic in going elsewhere. In stealing away to small towns as only the Northeast can produce. There is a magic in a fully decorated house, magic in really big Christmas trees--the sort that would never fit into my small studio. Magic in lots of people being able to gather in one place. Magic in backyards with fire-pits and living rooms with fireplaces and dining room tables with stacks of Christmas tree Spode. Magic in wreaths on doors and lights on roofs and the warm glow of Christmas in the suburbs.