this is just to say. (on dressing up and first dates).

Screen Shot 2014-07-22 at 12.51.24 PMNot terribly long ago it struck me that it’s been about a year since I’ve gone on a proper date.

 

I should clarify, a proper first date.

 

There are so many reasons for this.

 

Most deeply personal—not understood by even my closest confidantes.

 

But a year goes by. And a boy kisses you. And it feels so good.

 

I mean, the thing is, I forgot how a kiss can be so simple and easy and fun. And satisfying.

 

Mostly because the kisses this year have been anything but.

 

Which should have been a clue.

 

But we learn how we learn.

 

So, should a first date come along, I think I might say yes.

 

I think I might want to say yes.

 

But I want to wear a dress.

 

And I want it to be fancy—almost inappropriately so. Inappropriate because no one ever dresses up for anything anymore, and how terribly disappointing that is.

 

Let the man wear a suit. A nice one. (Tie optional).

 

Let us, middle of July, dress like it’s New Years Eve. And drink like it’s a new beginning. (Or a very good end).

 

I want the restaurant to be just cold enough that he has to offer me his jacket. Has to drape it over my shoulders. And do that thing, that men do, where they stand behind you and ever-so-inexpertly rub your arms.

 

It won't matter where we choose to eat. It could be McDonald’s. Or the Corner Bistro. (In fact, I’m partial to burgers).

 

I just want, for a single night, to feel young and foolish and exquisitely beautiful.

 

Just for a night I’d like to be the sort of couple that other people look at—wistfully, longingly, knowingly. That other people regard with a sort of fondness, remembering their own youth—remembering that time the future rolled out before them like an invitation.

 

image via. 

tuesday morning, the 22nd of July (an exercise in being just where I am)

  I’m feeling a little bit sad this morning.

 

But in that way that is mostly sweet.

 

Like I’m just about to turn a corner and my body already knows and it’s scary and good but ripe with loss.

 

Because once that corner is turned, it cannot be unturned.

 

Like I’m shuffling towards something really important, but don’t yet know what it is.

 

And I don’t yet know if it’ll be enough.

 

And that makes me a little sad.

 

But good sad.

 

Because I think it might be.

 

And so I lick my lips and taste my own sadness and give thanks for its peculiar flavor.

Screen Shot 2014-06-25 at 9.41.06 AM

the perfect weekend (surprisingly, unexpectedly, quietly so)

Screen Shot 2014-06-25 at 9.41.06 AM blog5 blog4 blog1 blog2 blog7 blog10 blog6blog15blog19Screen Shot 2014-07-20 at 10.01.18 PMblog13blog17blog14Screen Shot 2014-07-20 at 10.02.28 PMblog12blog16

 

It is always, without fail, the weekends that you have not one expectation of, that bloom the most exquisitely.

 

I came home from work on Friday bone-tired and a little worn down. Little did I know that my Friday night would end with karaoke in Koreatown at some ungodly hour--as the strangest and most exciting nights in New York City always do.

 

(Of this there are no pictures, and let us all give thanks for that).

 

Saturday was spent at the Rockaways with Sam (with whom there is never enough time-- she lives too far and the occasional conversations do not suffice). We lazed on the beach, narrowly avoided seagull poop, talked as only two women in their twenties can, ate well and cheaply (as Hemingway would say), and patiently supported each other's photography endeavors.

 

And of course, Sunday, the loneliest day of the week, wasn't so lonely at all. It was filled with a quiet afternoon of eating and strolling and browsing. Books and candles and the first cappuccino in New York (or so the caffe claims).

 

The whole thing was the perfect balance between the ridiculous and the sublime. And I feel better and fuller and more  myself because of it.

 

As for whether or not it makes me any more ready to take on the week... well...

 

...maybe less so.

 

But let's give it a go anyway...

 

Screen Shot 2014-06-25 at 9.41.06 AM

new york city | a love letter through the lens

photo 1-4Screen Shot 2014-07-18 at 8.28.24 AM photo 1-5 Screen Shot 2014-07-18 at 9.13.13 AM afterlight-3

Screen Shot 2014-07-18 at 8.27.02 AM photo 2-5 photo 3-4

Screen Shot 2014-07-18 at 8.25.48 AM photo 4-5

afterlight-4photo 5-6

Screen Shot 2014-07-18 at 9.11.49 AM photo 3-6

 

 

When things were harder, which is to say, I was less well and life was less full, I was so very good about carving out time and space each day to just be with myself. Doesn't that sound so terribly...something...new-agey or pretentious...I don't know. But I was so good about doing some things--that now as I look back--I realize those things are forms of meditation in their own rite. Because they quiet the mind and connect me to the truest, deepest part of myself (yeah, yeah, this whole thing is sounding spacey and cliche--but that doesn't make it any less true).

 

The Canon around my neck--the weight of it in my hands, I find that tremendously grounding.

 

So two mornings ago I rose extra early, threw on an easy sundress, my best pair of sunnies. And just walked. Camera in tow. Looked at the buildings and streets I see every day through more discerning eyes. And I clicked.

 

Because while I'm not a skilled photographer by any means, the act of it brings me round to myself.

 

Holding a camera. Seeking out new music. Stillness in the morning. Baths. Lit candles. Lattes. Writing. Always writing. These are the things that engage me with my life.

 

And just because the need for these things isn't as immediate as it once was, well it doesn't mean the need is any less (if that makes sense). And what this really means is, I sort of have to have a radical commitment to the simple things. To both my awareness and appreciation of them.

 

what i'm listening to | sleeping at last

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ6wJqaE6o4  

So as I was stumbling around youtube this morning, looking for music by the band SLEEPING AT LAST, I found this gem. And because the original song is one of my absolute-all-time-favorites, I can't even tell you my excitement at unearthing this.

Enjoy!