eating meat. or not. and how it has nothing to do with weight.

last week i talked about how i place no restrictions on my diet and a very perceptive reader asked me if being a vegetarian is not exactly that, a form of restriction. 

what follows are my thoughts regarding this question.

texans know how to do meat. their barbecue is unparalleled. steaks? unlike anything you've before had. 

i grew up as the cheeseburger queen. it was the only choice when dining out. and i always, always finished my meal--quarter-pounders, half-pounders, full-pounders oh my!

the first time i thought about cutting meat out of my diet was just out of college. i found i wasn't eating much of the stuff, unless out at a restaurant. and so it became a little experiment: could i survive without meat? well, within two weeks i was a hop, skip, and a jump away from eating a stick of butter by its lonesome. butter, you ask? i know. i know, odd right? the fat. my body was missing the fat that comes along with meat. and so the experiment ended.

the second time i was in australia visiting my dear friend stephen and his then fiancee (now wife) miriam who was a vegan. miriam and i were walking along the harbor, the sky overcast, and the sydney opera house just a stone's throw away. and she explained that for her the choice to go vegan was primarily one of environmental concern. environmental, huh? 

a few months later i picked up jonathan safran foer's eating animals, an in-depth look at the factory-farming industry and what it really means to eat meat today. the book was eye-opening and alarming. and the decision to forgo meat was made for me.

i've seen friends go vegetarian. and i've seen friends go vegan. and i've seen many do it for weight-loss. it becomes a game, a challenge. and often they met with great success. but when weight-loss is the primary purpose meat returns, animal byproducts return, and so do the pounds.

cutting meat out of my diet was never, not once, about weight. it was about the consumption of hormones, the emission of greenhouse gasses. but because of my history i was careful not to define myself by the term vegetarian. in fact, i don't think i've ever once said here on this blog that i am in fact a vegetarian, choosing instead the phrase i don't eat meat, or i choose not to eat meat (most of the time) but if i get the urge i'm gonna answer. 

i'm gonna level with you. i like meat. i do. but i choose not to eat it because it's something i can do day after day that will have a positive impact on the environment. it's something i can do day after day that will make me feel good about myself. it has enabled me to think about food in terms larger than myself. 

being a vegetarian, for me, has nothing to do with restriction. nothing to do with weight or what i look like. it is simply this: the choice not to eat meat feeds me in a way that hamburgers and chicken breasts and ribs never will.



ps: anyone see portia di rossi on oprah today? she had some pretty amazing things to say about her struggle with anorexia and bulimia. especially there at the end discussing how she got better...how it had so much to do with allowing herself all foods in any amount. and love. always love. 

introducing...the potato.

about, oh, maybe a year ago i had this revelation: a potato is a vegetable! huzzah!

so when i began to introduce more fruits and vegetables into my diet the potato was this miracle.

to cook i clean the potato, poke holes all over (with a fork), coat in a tiny bit of butter and salt, and place in the oven at 450 degrees for an hour.

from there that potato becomes the proverbial oyster...you can put anything in it! i always go with greek yogurt (which in this context tastes like sour cream), kerrygold cheddar, and scallions.

when i'm looking to mix things up i'll add in refried beans, mushrooms, or avocado.

it's cheap, simple, and packed full of protein.

if we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.

ivan turgenev

the first step

when i first met with the head of the eating and weight disorders program at mount sinai i knew immediately he was the doctor for me. he got it. he understood.

after two years of asking for help in overcoming an eating disorder only to be told i didn't have one, i had finally met someone with the information that would give me my life back. he talked science to me. and for a girl who'd never before liked science, it was suddenly the language of love--the salve for my soul.

obviously i had some pretty big issues at play and not everyone needs such a specialized doctor. but the things tom has imparted to me are basic and universal. they are bits of information not often talked about--things that everyone can benefit from.

from that very first day tom made it clear that, in terms of eating, we were gonna work very hard to eliminate any form of dieting or restrictions. that would in time eliminate binges. and eventually i would have the body of giselle bunchen. (oh wait, scratch that last one {figured i'd attempt to bring a little humor to the table, even if it's poorly-constructed}).

and so that is exactly what we did. i stopped counting points. i stopped guesstimating calories. i re-introduced all foods into my diet.

and there have been days, weeks where i think, oh if i limit just for this little bit of time--if i only consume this many calories--it'll be a jump-start for me. no harm done. 

those times of limit have never, ever led to any good.

i used to say that i'd know i was better when i got to the body i would've had had i never developed an eating disorder. and tom would chuckle and nod and say, there's no way for you to know what that body would be. that's an impossibility. and he was right, of course he was right, as always.

but i do feel i'm finally living in a body that is my own. a body sans all the extra pounds that binge upon binge piled on. and without dieting, without counting calories, without any of that it has taken me just about two-and-a-half years to get here.

yeah, i know, that's quite a bit of time. a lot of time, actually. well...but not really. not if you're thinking in terms of a whole life. better two-and-a-half-years than twenty of yo-yo dieting and unhappiness.

it takes time. there is no quick fix. health is an investment of time and money and hard work.

be patient. in the end, that extra time pays off in dividends.

a new tab.

when i started this wee of a blog i was fearless.

if i wanted to post something, i'd post it. bam. done.

and maybe it's because i was pretty clueless for the most part.

but it was a blissful oblivion.

now i worry what others will think: is it interesting enough? will they like it? does it fit with the overall thrust of the blog (i know, i know, what overall thrust?). what judgement will this-a-way come? what fuel am i providing for ex-boyfriends the world over?

a few weeks ago my friend victoria suggested i share here what i'm doing to get healthy. some of my little tricks and suggestions.

and i was.    hesitant.

because i'm certainly not an authority.

and certainly other people have found more success than i. their paths have been smoother, shorter, done with more grace.

but then i was standing around with a few girls just the other week when one declared she absolutely must lose weight and so today would be the day she'd begin weight watchers again.  and i must've cringed and said that was a terrible idea (or something else totally inappropriate for the situation {i don't know this person very well}) and realizing my mistake i quickly closed my mouth and moved on to other things. but she asked what i meant, said she wanted to lose weight the healthful way. and then a third girl overhearing the conversation jumped in saying that, weight watchers is healthy and it works. and i pulled a move of undeniable stealth extracting myself by nodding and excusing myself to the bathroom or some other such refuge.

because what i could have said? what i wanted to say was that just because something works doesn't mean it's healthy. and if it really worked would our nation be fighting this obesity epidemic? and after only three months of a successful weight-watchers stint (nineteen pounds lost) i developed a raging case of bulimia that nearly destroyed me. yup, three months of weight watchers and it's taken me more than five years to recover.

this diet thing. it is so ingrained in our culture. and no one has the information to combat it.

i stopped writing--for the most part--about my nasty, little eating disorder (ned) because i didn't want it to define me. i didn't want to write about the descent when i was doing everything i could to climb out of the crater in which i'd landed. and so i took the "ned" tab down from my sidebar.

and i'm not going to. to write about the descent, that is.

but i am going to give vic's suggestion a whirl. i'm going to write about climbing out of that crater. about getting better. and stronger. about the bits and pieces that have helped me. the elimination of fake sugar from my diet (and why). and the healthy, real foods that keep me moving. about how i eat what i want, when i want it: cupcakes and ice cream included.

i am not perfect. and neither is my body. i have stretch marks. all over. and thighs that rub together. but i love my body. yes, you heard me correctly. completely and compassionately, i love my body. i will never again try to lose weight. i just won't do it. i will try to eat well, to nourish my body and strengthen my heart. and i imagine those things will peel off the pounds i no longer want or need.

but it's so not about the pounds. ya know?

for the next week i'm gonna have this little blogspot-lover focus on health, so that when it's all said and done we'll have the start of a new tab for my sidebar. a tab to replace the one that "ned" once claimed.


(still working on names though...seems like all the good ones like "living well" or some such have been claimed.

suggestions?)