i took the bus back from new jersey in the late afternoon on satuday. i wanted to take a physique class before the delicious quiet and day of rest that is sunday.
i don't remember much about the class. except that, it was crowded and i stood next to some girl who must have been a dancer. i know this because when we were working on our seats (butts and surrounding territory) and we have to shoot our leg out from the side of our body and mine starting shaking and didn't want to get anywhere close to the necessary position she just popped her's right out there. i mean...it was like...shoop. and i was like...oh, shit.
but what strikes me most about that class is that afterwards i devoured my post-class-new-tradition green apple.
i don't like apples. they're not my thing. never have been. but the studio has them in a glass bowl and i know that they're good for me and (let's be honest) wanting to get my money's worth, i always grab one. i usually suffer through about half of it. suffer, no? but survive. i eat as much as i can handle. and then i move one.
but on saturday evening i was thirsty. really thirsty. and i'd just read some article about eating more water (yes, eating) and knowing those little green suckers were chock-a-block full of the stuff i reached for one, sunk my teeth in, and oh the delicious juice-filled-thing that it was! i enjoyed it in the lobby, waiting for the elevator, during the ride down to the street.
one one of the eight floors between physique and the lobby another girl hopped on--she too with green apple in hand. i recognized her from class. i wasn't (and still am not) sure why she was on another floor and my confusion led way to conversation. and she asked me how long i'd been taking classes and where i come from to get there. and then of course, the question that everyone asks, had i seen results.
and i understand the question. i do. i get it.
i politely side-stepped it with, you know. yes, i'm sure. but i'm trying very hard not to focus on that.
what i really wanted to say was, i'm enjoying this apple! loving it, in fact! i'm halfway to the core, my usual stopping-spot, and i'm gonna keep going. this is the success--this is the result--this green apple, right here, and my LOVE for it!
there's always a moment in class when the instructor asks us to reconnect with the reason we came today. asks us to imagine how we want our seat to look in our jeans--how long and lean we want our arms to be and on and on and such and such. and i'm inevitably the girl in the corner, pulsing my squats--legs shaking away--thinking: bone density, bone density. i'm building bone density! or my heart, my heart. i'm strengthening my heart--reducing my risk for heart disease, obesity, diabetes and on and on and such and such.
don't get me wrong. i want those long, lean limbs. and yes, i want the seat that looks dang good in my blue jeans. but if that's what i think about in that moment that class gets really hard, well, i'd stop. because those reasons alone are just not good enough. they just don't do it for me. but, my health? well, that's another story all together. hell, i'd pulse those squats to kingdom-come to keep my heart pulsin' on its own.
and so i may not be able to measure how how much bone density i've gained, but i can see how my love for a green apple has shifted. and holy moly, that's something.
i have a secret to confess...
in ahhh music
if you see me on the street and i'm smilin' for no reason at all i've either...
1. just finished physique class and am now noshing on a clementine
2. or i'm movin' to this beat**
and chances are... it's the latter.
**just a head's up that there is gratuitous language involved (featured, rather) and if that's not your thing then don't click over. but if you can stomach it (or take it with a grain of salt) then oh god is the video worth it!
(and a big thanks to natalie for bringing it into my life).
grocery store bundle.
i go to the grocery store. every day, in some form or another.
there's the one i go to on 72nd with cheap cheeses and great guacamole. and the one on 74th where a gal can always count on a gaggle of firemen stocking-up for the week. there's the whole foods at columbus circle. and the one at union square. each with a fresh foods bar and stonyfield ice cream. and then of course my corner store on 181 that i head to daily for canada dry sparkling water. i go to frank's market on 187th when i need to pretend i live in a small town. and the ap across the street from that has those unforgivable fluorescent lights but, bless it, a decent selection.
and so i cycle through the stores. most often choosing the one that falls along my route for the day.
but yesterday morning i set my alarm early. got up, dressed, took the c train downtown, treated myself to an israeli latte and entered the grocery store of my choosing. i wanted the full experience. and i wanted it without too many others around. i wanted to revel in all that is a grocery store. i wanted to buy the mammoth box of clementines knowing i'd have to lug it nowhere but home. and so i perused the aisles, cruised the fresh produce, sipping my latte all the while.
and then i came across the flowers. oh the flowers. i picked some up, began to walk away, then quickly returned and replaced them. flowers are an indulgence i cannot allow right now. not enough money.
and yet i couldn't seem to tear myself from the little corner of greenery. 4 dollars. that was it. that was all. the cost of the little bouquet. the cost of the coffee in my hand. why not splurge just this once? and as i stood there i was struck by a passage i had just re-read in liz gilbert's eat, pray, love. it's towards the beginning of the book when she's talking about moving into her first apartment--just after leaving her husband, breaking up with her boyfriend. and she talks about painting the walls warm colors and buying herself flowers every week--as though she was visiting herself in the hospital.
she creates a hospice of a home.
and so there i was. sunday morning. staring at the flowers. wondering why we only allow ourselves such indulgences when things get really rough.
and the thing is, what i'm learning is...if i wait now, if i put it off now, then probably i always will.
so i picked up the 6 dollar bundle, turned around, and walked away. this time, for good. and as i collected my fruits and vegetables and nuts--all with my flowers under my arm--i could feel my mind spinning and clicking, a veritable rolodex up there.
it's happened once or twice before, i hit a pocket of space and time and i can actually feel--actually hear my mind sorting thought after though at a speed so rapid i don't dare keep up. it is a restructuring of mind. a realignment of body. sudden realization after sudden realization--or at least the promise of realization. it is elucidation. the body alight with insight. it is a feeling unlike any other--a vitality unparalleled.
the flowers are on my dresser. in my sanctuary of a room. in my sun-lit apartment. in a little corner of washington heights. just along the river.
because the time for waiting has passed.
montclair for the weekend. dreaming of a life.
in travel
new york became too much for me this week. it often does, but something about this week did me in. so i headed to montclair, nj (just twenty minutes from the city by bus) for a home-cooked meal, a real look at some fall foliage, and family time.
every time i get off the bus i breathe a little easier. the air is inevitably cooler and fresher and the tree-lined-streets sing me song after song as my feet crunch their way to my aunt and uncle's home. it is a town made for halloween decorations and thanksgiving turkey platters as much as for summer evenings and pick-up baseball games. i love it more each time i go. and i dream of living there. raising a family there. it is respite that speaks to the very recesses of my soul.
1. along the path from the bus to my family's home.
2. the foliage in front of this house is always overwhelming.
3. trees on fire.
4. i couldn't get over the halloween directions.
5. the sweedish sugar cake my aunt made to celebrate my birthday. delightful, in every possible way. (i had two mammoth slices).
(i like the way olivia rae details her pictures with numbers, so i am indeed following her lead in this format).
finding my way back. and searching for my groove again (you know, the one that stella got back all that time ago).
yesterday was the eighth day of the never-ending-cold.
and so i awoke. depressed.
no, no, not depressed with a capitol "d", more just off, down-in-the-dumps, a little... out-of-sorts.
i'd lost my mojo (blogging-mojo included {maybe, most especially my blog-mojo}).
it had been a week of runny noses, scratchy throats, undeniable sinus pressure and a strange sense of nausea coupled with hunger--that was the worst! the inability to identify my own sense of hunger. or lack thereof. and so my eating was all askew.
but after a trip to the minute-clinic and a prescription to combat what i was told was a sinus infection i willed myself to trader joes' knowing that on this, the eighth day, a good dinner was gonna make or break me.
i needed something tasty and healthy but with a little kick.
so while at trader joe's i picked up the mahi mahi fish burgers, their pre-made guacamole, and some produce to fill it all out.
i could live on those mahi burgers alone. i know this would not be a good idea for a myriad of reasons, but i love those things--for the not-so-long-ago-burger-queen anything in the shape of the patty speaks to some deep recess of my soul.
but the mahi patty alone would not suffice.
so i pulled out a frozen trader joe's pre-made guacamole, ran it under some warm water to thaw it out, and chopped grapes, grape tomatoes, and cilantro to my heart's content (all while watching modern family). i really like the guacamole as is, but the chance to add in some more veggies cannot be ignored. veggies and a little squeeze of a lime? yes, please. thickens it up and adds nutritional value.
usually i'll just add the guac on top of the patty and call it a day. but i've been, as i said, down-in-the-dumps. so i sauteed some mushrooms in a little bit of butter for that extra something.
and so it went. mahi mahi patty. sauteed mushrooms. and guac on top.
and my restorative dinner was made. and devoured.
followed by a massive, levain chocolate-walnut cookie.
i'm sorry that i've lost my blog-mojo. sorry that i've been inconsistent and scattered about this week of creating a new tab--one that focuses on health and feeding the whole body. but i am so grateful and excited by your responses and ideas. and happy to announce that the new tab label will be...drumroll please...FED. isn't it perfect? and simple? and the absolute best play-off of NED? there were so many good suggestions, but tiffany's just seemed so obvious (kind of the way brilliant books are obvious in that that they're genius and you wish you'd thought of them yourself). the FED series will continue, but will be interspersed with regular programming. it will provide recipes, ideas, suggestions, information, products (all through my slightly warped lens of course--and i definitely want to hear from you all). i just want to make it clear that FED will not be about weight loss. it will be about finding our natural body, learning to love the body we have, and being really smart about how we do that--especially in how we talk about it.