FOOD AND HEALTH//

in

the summer after my first year of college i developed a severe eating disorder (non-purging bulimia). i was finally diagnosed at the start of my fourth year and have spent the many, many years since on that strange and wonderful journey towards recovery and health.

while there has been much written about the peculiarities and particulars of eating disorders, little has been written about all that goes into getting better (and just how long and slow that process is).

what follows below is post after post charting my own progression in the hope that others might find comfort in knowing they are not alone and that it does and it will get better. 

the thing is, this isn't just the story--the progression--of recovering from a severe illness. it is the story of ferreting out happiness, of returning from the edge of absolute sadness and discovering a real peace. some of the posts are not explicitly about the eating disorder, but they are part of that journey nonetheless.

(it is a lot of information and much of it's repetitive, but here it is, all in one place)...

my hope is that this will help others struggling, but particularly the family and friends of those who struggle--so that in some small way they may understand and be supportive and positive and healthy ways (because few things are so important) 


the story of my eating disorder and the winding, circuitous road to health:
...from the beginning...

an introduction.
how i came to know NED.
spring is hard.
a story.
miracle of miracles.
ned be gone.
NYC and it's calorie count law (i don't like it).
the story of ned.
start of a new year.
cannot admit depression.
blue jeans.
the white flag.
not wanting to feel.
on giving up diet coke.
setback.
on the importance of really hard exercise.
on trying to write about it all (the disorder/and the path to wellness).
the first step.
eating meat. or not.
small victories
eating well is a constant choice.
making small goals each week.
getting rid of the scale
forty pounds
the danger of fat talk
5 point roadmap to health
green pants.
friday night cab ride.
eat real food (so simple)!
when i start to get sad.
food has a cost.
figuring out happiness.
food as a political issue.
getting to the good part.
the eight word prayer.
claiming the land.
the swell and the breath.
on emerging from a funk.
i mostly think falling in love with music made me well in a way nothing else could // more proof of that // and again
on beauty.
a list: i love myself enough to...
in inches.
a cookie and coffee for dinner.
these are the ways to love yourself (to forgive).
cleaning out my closet.
two months doing weight watchers. six years battling an eating disorder.
on why i'm actually thankful for the damn thing.
perfect bodies. cellulite. and a little rebellion.
on eating burgers again.
on owning jeans. finally. 


INFINITIES. ding-dong-the-witch-is-dead!



...to where i am now...



inspiration and information:

Janna Dean: healing the body image // healthy body image for our children // weight doesn't matter
fat talk (video)
so much happiness
women in advertising (video)
scarlett johansson speaks out
body image is still a thing (hello giggles)
audrey tautou's wise words
happiness is (quote)

just say no... to sugar


may i also suggest FAT, SICK, AND NEARLY DEAD, as well as, HUNGRY FOR CHANGE (both streaming on Netflix).

//loving you//

in



... i used to think i'd look back on loving you as the hardest thing i'd ever done. 

but truth is, loving you was easy. was in fact the easiest thing in the world. 

it was the attempt not to love you that nearly killed me. the attempt to rationalize and to make sense of what was never meant to make sense. the attempt to ignore and silence and make little what was as big--as vital--as anything in this life can ever hope to be...

A LETTER TO THE MAN WHO'LL MAKE ME AN HONEST WOMAN// do it on the front stoop.

in































I have two recurring fantasies.

The first involves wood floors, clean white socks, and the song Isn't she lovely. He's wearing boxer briefs and I'm swimming in his oversized Hanes t-shirt, a relic from his college days that's about one wash away from complete disintegration. We both have the white socks on. Ankle socks to be exact.

He sings along to the stereo and we dance--slipping and sliding, unleashing the inner eight-year-olds who know how to turn any wood floor into a veritable slip-and-slide wonderland.


The second is this.

I want to find him on the doorstep. Unexpected. I want to turn the corner after a long day, a long month, a long year and find him half-smiling with a bouquet of flowers. He'll be sitting there. And when he sees me, he'll stand. At first I won't understand. Who is this man I knew so many lifetimes ago? I'll climb the steps and he'll step aside. I'll put the key in the door and pause. I'll feel his breath on my neck. And his silence will fill me, satiate me. I'll push the door open and he'll follow in step. And we'll begin our life together.

That's what I want. To find the man I dream on the front stoop.


So my dearest, darling-est, dreamiest husband-to-be, know this...

don't take me to the ballet. or the rainbow room. don't make it a carriage ride through central park or a weekend getaway. i'm not even sure i need you to get on one knee. but do it on the door step. on the front stoop. sitting next to me. on the same level. turn to me and ask me to be your best friend, your lover, your absolute equal. so that then we can go inside and begin our life together, as we've always known we should.


That being said, you sure as hell better ask my father first. I believe in chivalry. And I was raised in the South.





{words have been relatively scarce this summer. so in lieu of writing i'm attempting to organize the blog a bit. i was going through the old posts when i cam across this and just for the hell of it i thought i'd share--it's one of my very favorites. so much has changed since i wrote this in march of 2009 but much of what's here still holds true. not all of it. but most of it}.