the summer after my first year of college i developed a severe eating disorder (non-purging bulimia). i was finally diagnosed at the start of my fourth year and have spent the many, many years since on that strange and wonderful journey towards recovery and health.

while there has been much written about the peculiarities and particulars of eating disorders, little has been written about all that goes into getting better (and just how long and slow that process is).

what follows below is post after post charting my own progression in the hope that others might find comfort in knowing they are not alone and that it does and it will get better. 

the thing is, this isn't just the story--the progression--of recovering from a severe illness. it is the story of ferreting out happiness, of returning from the edge of absolute sadness and discovering a real peace. some of the posts are not explicitly about the eating disorder, but they are part of that journey nonetheless.

(it is a lot of information and much of it's repetitive, but here it is, all in one place)...

my hope is that this will help others struggling, but particularly the family and friends of those who struggle--so that in some small way they may understand and be supportive and positive and healthy ways (because few things are so important) 

the story of my eating disorder and the winding, circuitous road to health:
...from the beginning...

an introduction.
how i came to know NED.
spring is hard.
a story.
miracle of miracles.
ned be gone.
NYC and it's calorie count law (i don't like it).
the story of ned.
start of a new year.
cannot admit depression.
blue jeans.
the white flag.
not wanting to feel.
on giving up diet coke.
on the importance of really hard exercise.
on trying to write about it all (the disorder/and the path to wellness).
the first step.
eating meat. or not.
small victories
eating well is a constant choice.
making small goals each week.
getting rid of the scale
forty pounds
the danger of fat talk
5 point roadmap to health
green pants.
friday night cab ride.
eat real food (so simple)!
when i start to get sad.
food has a cost.
figuring out happiness.
food as a political issue.
getting to the good part.
the eight word prayer.
claiming the land.
the swell and the breath.
on emerging from a funk.
i mostly think falling in love with music made me well in a way nothing else could // more proof of that // and again
on beauty.
a list: i love myself enough to...
in inches.
a cookie and coffee for dinner.
these are the ways to love yourself (to forgive).
cleaning out my closet.
two months doing weight watchers. six years battling an eating disorder.
on why i'm actually thankful for the damn thing.
perfect bodies. cellulite. and a little rebellion.
on eating burgers again.
on owning jeans. finally. 

INFINITIES. ding-dong-the-witch-is-dead! where i am now...

inspiration and information:

Janna Dean: healing the body image // healthy body image for our children // weight doesn't matter
fat talk (video)
so much happiness
women in advertising (video)
scarlett johansson speaks out
body image is still a thing (hello giggles)
audrey tautou's wise words
happiness is (quote)

just say no... to sugar

may i also suggest FAT, SICK, AND NEARLY DEAD, as well as, HUNGRY FOR CHANGE (both streaming on Netflix).