Dating in New York

Back in February I went out on a whim on a Wednesday night. With two friends, Keira and Michelle (the names are important here, so take note).

We went to a swanky bar in midtown and I was out of my depth after about five minutes. Mostly because swanky bars in midtown are not my scene. Something about guys with slicked-back hair and removable wedding rings. 

There was a guy there. And I WAS NOT INTERESTED. But Keira dragged him over and before I knew it he was chatting with me and somehow I was, in the moment, agreeing to give him my email, which then became my number as soon as he pulled out his phone. And in such moments it's really easier to go with the flow. And then disentangle later, but before it comes to anything. 

So when the next day he messaged to say lets get a glass of wine, I lied. Because I din't want to get a glass of wine with him (I don't owe him, or any guy a cup of coffee or a glass of wine or a dinner out of "politeness"). But I lied because I figured instead of saying, Hey dude, I'm really not interested and I didn't say so last night, I might as well make it seem like I'm with someone else. Preserve the pride of all parties involved--sort of. 

I have struggled for years to adequately describe just why it is so difficult to date in this city. 

There are not words enough. Or, not the right words. 

But from now on I'm just going to present the above image as explanation...as evidence of the sort of men we're working with.

So go ahead. Take another look at it. Now that you know most of the story.

1. Oh you thought we got along well? Oh you didn't think an invitation to go out with you could stir a negative reaction?! BULLY FOR YOU!! BUT THE GIRL HAS JUST SAID SHE IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE (forget for a second that is not true--he does not know that). AS IF YOUR OPINION OF HOW WE GOT ALONG IS THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS. 

I chose not to respond with this--simply not worth it. I've met enough of these guys to know that any negative response will only serve to egg them on. 

So 2. after the lack of my response he writes again asking for my second friend's number. On the same day, he asks. (Time stamp).

I mean, some could argue that the guy has gusto and good for him for going for it. But what his "going for it" tells me is that HE IS NOT DISCERNING. He doesn't care who he beds, so long as he beds someone. And quickly. And therein lies the issue with so very many men on this island.

It's worth saying, though, that there are exceptions. Of course, there are. Good ones do exist (truly they do). They are simply much, much (MUCH) harder to find. But holy heck, when you find one, there's not really anything like it. 

What I'm Listening To | Josh Garrels // At the Table

The Moral Bucket List

I know this space has been quiet of late. I apologize. I don't know how people do it. Honest to goodness, I just don't. I feel like I am always working from a deficit. Too little time. And so emails go unanswered and blog posts are left unwritten. How does one balance life and work and friends and the pursuits of the soul with just getting the damn grocery list written? Perhaps one day I'll figure it out, but for the moment I'm doing my best to just feel like some of it is getting done. Not enough. Right now, not nearly enough. But I'm finding life has a way of unfolding as it needs to.

So in the absence of my own words, let me share someone else's.

David Brooks wrote a really lovely article for The New York Times entitled the Moral Bucket List. And it is remarkable.

"...all the people I’ve ever deeply admired are profoundly honest about their own weaknesses. They have identified their core sin..."

I have certainly found in my own life, and witnessed in others, that there is a moment the ground shifts beneath our feet. And everything we thought we once knew turns on its head. And this is an invitation. A terrifying one, for sure. But an invitation nonetheless. 

"As Paul Tillich put it, suffering introduces you to yourself and reminds you that you are not the person you thought you were."

Read the full article here.  And seriously, read the whole article. 

More this week, that I do promise...

words to live by // 04.07.15

The flower doesn't dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes. | Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

If you have never changed your mind about some fundamental tenet of your belief, if you have never questioned the basics, and if you have no wish to do so, then you are likely ignorant. | Vera Nazarian

You can't keep the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can keep them from nesting in your hair. | Sharon Creech, Walk Two Moons 

Of course I'll hurt you. Of course you'll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence means accepting the risk of absence. | The Little Prince

Tell me Atlas, what is heavier? The world? Or its peoples' hearts? | Darshana S, Atlas Still Stands, But Does Anyone Else?

Everyone discusses my art and pretends to understand, as if it were necessary to understand, when it is simply necessary to love. | Claude Monet 

So the universe is not quite as you thought it was. You'd better rearrange your beliefs then. Because you certainly can't rearrange the universe. | Isaac Asimov 

And thus the heart will break, yet brokenly live on. | Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage 

my manhattan | a weekend away: Montauk