You know how I've been yearning for that good cry? How I could feel it just below the surface? How I tried to induce it by ridiculous means (aka the One Tree Hill episode about death this past week)? It came today. In the middle of the street. Surrounded by people. As my feet awkwardly clomped against the sidewalk to prevent the formation of blisters. The tears began their steady and solemn march down the terrain of my face and I was helpless to stop them. There in the midst of a gorgeous "autumn is so close to full bloom that I can feel it" kind of day, I quietly lost it. I didn't sob, wail, or beat my breast, but rather stood there silently, tears streaming, mascara running as the people of New York milled and seethed around me. And it was then that the softest, little voice said "see, you do wanna be an actor." It was so quiet I almost missed it. A few weeks from now I'll probably wonder if I heard it at all. But it was there, carving out my future persistently and passionately in its oh so unassuming way.
What brought it on you ask? Well, I had this audition. And I was hoping it might go well to balance out the audition the day before where I left thinking the director was the only person with more doubt about my ability than myself. Not to mention, as I sat in yesterday's waiting room I felt like a beached whale. Now, I've made great strides in the acceptance of my body. In fact I kinda like it. It's normal and beautiful. In the real world. In the acting world, sometimes I still feel like...well I already said it, no point in repeating the image. And by the way please someone shoot me if I spend five whole minutes in front of a mirror adjusting every possible strand of my gleaming, panteine pro-v, wouldn't you just kill for these locks because I did hair while everyone else looks on. Do it in private. But in public? By the way, it was fine, my audition today. But it was far from good. I have a strength on stage that is deceiving. Because in person, lets face it, I'm a bit of a flake. I'm kooky and bumbly (not really a word but if Shakespeare made them up, so can I) and all of the place. And the parts I'm sent out for (which are actually perfect for me) are not really any of these things--they're in there but overshadowed by a poise that I'm all together lacking in any kind of audition situation. And thus I'm left standing there saying "confidence, oh confidence why have you forsaken me?" So today I realized, its gonna take me a year. A whole year before I can expect to get any callbacks, any jobs, any real positive feedback. A year to translate what I know I can do on the stage to what I know I have to do in an audition room. And that's okay. It's my path. I've always been a late bloomer and this is just par for the course. I have so much to look forward to. Because today was the day that I decided (or maybe realized) oh yeah, see that...I do want to be an actor.
But is it okay to say this? I wish it could be just a little bit easier. Not much. Just a little.