i didn't want to get out of bed this morning. which is how i know things are not quite right.
there are others hints too, i suppose.
the ever-deepening lines on my forehead.
my right eye that's been twitching intermittently for a month a half now.
a nagging lower back pain.
i've had two jobs for so long now that i can't remember a time when i wasn't rushing form one to the other.
but i'm in the long-transitional-period in which i whittle my way down to one.
and so for a month now, a month? more than a month? i've been working 50 hour weeks. and i'm spent.
does it sound as though i'm complaining?
i am.
i've gotten really, really good at complaining recently.
the funny thing is that as it all nears to an end it doesn't get easier as you'd suspect, but harder.
i feel like i'm gonna need a week off. to soak in epsom salts. to eat nothing but kale and fruit (i'd never actually do this). to reset the body to a normal, healthy state.
plenty of people work 50 hour weeks you say? 80 hour weeks? i know, i know! how do they do it?
i offer only this up in my defense...these jobs....as wonderful as they are, as much as i've learned from them, as thankful as i am for the money they deposit into my now growing savings account, they are not my dream. they are not the career. i want to be a writer, an actor, one of those band groupies, an activist, a presidential staffer...oh hell, i don't know. but something more. and so in addition to those 50 hours is all the time traveling to and from home so i can sit in front of this little screen and write. and in doing so unearth my future--or so i hope.
as anyone who's ever had an eating disorder, or eating issue really, knows....they're all about delay, avoidance. the mantra becomes oh well, when i lose 5 lbs, 10 lbs, i'll do it. until then, no. and if those pounds are never lost the thing is never done. and in ones' path is a wake of all the things set aside, neglected, perpetually put off--a life, usually. a life deferred.
with work consuming all of my time, i've had to put things off. and i don't want to. i want to charge forward, but there isn't the time. and i know the reason for putting things off is different than it was 3, 4, 5 years ago, but because it is familiar and terrifying territory, panic ensues.
up, there goes my right eye. twitching again.
this is all to say if i've seemed (continue to seem) a little bit silent, you know the reason why. and i humbling beg your patience.
oh lord, i just wrote all that, and today is memorial day...a day to celebrate and remember those who've given the ultimate sacrifice for this country. i'm a boob. forget everything i've just said and think about that--the true spirit of this holiday.