my new york | the one where there's green everywhere and plenty of reasons to go to a party

 

a thought on which to end the week. (and to carry forward forever more).

 

i have come to learn (the hard way, always the hard way) that there comes a point in fledgling romantic endeavors in which i become just-attached-enough that i start. to lose. my mind.

fear takes hold and my deepest insecurities take root and a very small and very ugly version of myself emerges--a woman who acts out of fear and need.

and the sight is. not. a pretty one.

and what ends up happening is the very things the men were first attracted to get strewn about in the wake of my...terror.

there's a line from one of my very favorite Avett Brothers songs that i often think about:

If you're loved by someone you're never rejected. 

how satisfying it is to be adored by a person. how seductive. it is grounding. a lightening rod of sorts that harnesses the big and scary and unmanageable things and drags them down to earth. makes everything a bit more doable.

but in the absence of that adoration--in the absence of that person, we must be our own lightening rod.

and i suspect, even with another person, we must constantly remember that on our own, alone, we have the ability to ground ourselves.

i came across this earlier in the week and wanted to share. it is a father's letter to his little girl (about her future husband):

i can't get this out of my head (nor do i want to): your only task is to know deeply in your soul--in that unshakeable place that isn't rattled by rejection and loss and ego--that you are worthy of interest...If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word. 

what powerful (dare i say, holy words). easier said than done, of course. but man do i want to strive to be that person.

read the full letter here.

what i'm listening to | ben howard

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fNeK4DJPMo

this is one of those songs that just listening to makes me feel far more courageous than my nature suggests.

(yup, it's taken this long for me to figure out how to load videos onto this new platform. so while no old videos have transferred over, i can now get back to the important work of sharing good music.)

also, i understand the comments aren't working. my sincerest apologies, i was getting so much spam and in an effort to deal with it, i somehow managed to cut off all comments. but the problem is being addressed. many thanks to those who brought it to my attention.

what i'm eating (day two)

after my posts on attempting to eat as little sugar as possible and why (one, two, three, four) one of the common questions was would i show what i eat on a daily basis. what follows is my best attempt…

(i really mean it when i say i believe in full-fat lattes. they get me going each morning. i believe in the ritual that is coffee--making it, as well as drinking it).

(i'm a big snacker. and some days my meals are more snacks than anything else).

(st andre cheese is my absolute favorite in all the world. and upon occasion i'll get it cheap from trader joe's and treat myself).

(i have this dish all. the time. i get the shaved brussel sprouts from trader joe's, chop them up just a bit more, add olive oil and salt, parmesan cheese {or any sort of hard, shaved cheese}, and a toasted nut {pine nuts and almonds are my favorite}. this is also a dish that could happily take some avocado chunks).

(before bed i took a warm bath and had a latte {DECAF!}. it feels important to say that there was quite a bit of joy taken in soaking in the warm water with a warm drink in hand. oftentimes we turn to food for comfort when a good book, a good bath, a lit candle, and the like are as just as much--if not more--value).

i cannot tell a lie

i think now about how you asked me if i did it on my own. alone. or if i surrounded myself. warm bodies as protection, distraction.

and i must have half-smiled. taken a deep breath. tilted my head to the ground. looked away, even as we walked together, the same direction compelling us forward.

i knew if i was honest it'd be years before we'd meet again.

but i cannot tell a lie. and even if i could, i figured it was a lie that would bury us in that illusory thing that is borrowed time.

so i gave you the single greatest truth i now hold:

i did it on my own. 

and another before-and-after erupted before us. an uncrossable, impassable, impossible line.

and now i watch from a distance, and only upon occasion, as you thrust and flail and do it exactly as i did not, but in the only way you know how--for now. because time moves differently for each of us.

and i must forgive you for this.

for seeking comfort in familiar cutouts that bear no resemblance to my own.

now i wonder if you'll ever come back. and mostly fear you will.

and that when you do i will know too much and have seen too much and my answer will be the saddest and deepest and bluest bruise of a no.