i fell asleep on the subway last night

8418107594_5022539080_z i fell asleep on the subway last night. riding the long R train into brooklyn.

i've lived in new york for going on eight years now and this was a first.

turns out i'm exhausted. in the good kind of way. where life is busy and full and new. but also in the way where you fall asleep on the train and clean laundry eats an entire corner of your room and you wake each morning with no sense of what day it is and where you have to go or even if you've got your head screwed on properly.

so busy that exhaustion takes hold in uncomfortable ways and food choices go to hell.

i had leftover banana bread in my tote bag that i had no intention of touching. but on that R train, engaged in a battle between sleep and sense, losing to the deep, i half-consciously groped for the tupperware and the promise of its leftovers.

if i couldn't sleep i would eat.

and i'm gonna level with you, that choclate-chip banana bread was damn good.

i've been meaning to write about food for a while now. i've certainly sat down to do it several times. and somehow i get distracted or overwhelmed or maybe even a little embarrassed by the prospect of sharing where i am in the life-long fight to eat well, and so i've left half-begun, half-finished drafts littering my desktop.

so here goes.

i want to write food and the value system we attach to it.

i said this to a friend recently and she said, what do values have anything to do with food?

sigh, deep breath, gather my wits.

let's start here:

we certainly attach a value system in this country to fat and thin. do we not?

instead of that, let's redirect. let's focus on what we put in our body and feel good about that, trust that, and then let the pounds fall where they will.