in defense of self.





learning is a funny thing.
information builds on itself.
snowballs.

this year
(all two months that have hurtled by in one gigantic whoosh)
has been a time of exponential growth.
understanding what i want.
priorities and their placement.
what i believe and what i can live with.

and
the importance of praising one's self.
of saying to hell with arrogance,
this much i know...

it is important to be able to look at ourselves,
to turn the camera and look through the lens
and to focus on the good as well as the bad.

i'll be the first to say i'm not the kind of girl who...

wears matching socks
knows how to cook
has her life figured out

(the list goes on and on)

and that i like these things about myself.
and so i praise myself through what i am not.

but what about through what i actually am?




i wake up each and every morning and face my demons.
i look them in the eyes,
say their names aloud,
welcome them at my breakfast table.
i give thanks for the many blessings they have bestowed on me:
self-awareness,
empathy,
humility.

i take the time to examine where i am and what i want
and adjust to the teetering plate that is my life.
i am awake.

it was not easy to choose to step away from acting.
i thought of all the people i was disappointing,
of the four years of school dedicated to that one thing,
and all the money that went into it.
but i recognized that my health and happiness had to be
the first priority.
that if i were to every truly pursue acting,
the time away would be the most important and influential decision--a gift to myself
and my future.
and that it was a gift only i could give.

i recognize that it is not for me to judge anything harshly.
it is not for me to judge at all.
the path is long.
it wends and winds
and we cannot know where it will lead.

a friend recently asked what it is i want,
what is my goal?
i want to wake up every morning and feel like i've chosen my life.

i am not at a place where i know what the future holds,
but i am okay. with that.
i will live my way into it.
with eyes open.

the point is:
i am divinity.

"i am the miracle, i am the hand reaching out of the wreck."

we all are.

so let us praise that. defend that. live that.




quote from Day 4305
found in Jeffrey McDaniel's
latest publication
The Endarkenment.



happy fat tuesday!




it's the final day of mardi gras.

the last day to indulge before the lenten period of restriction begins.

what will you be eating today?


i've been waffling between giving up cheese versus the ever-present in my diet, honey and peanut butter. but that's for tomorrow. today, i will consume copious amounts of both!

hmmm. jury's still out.

all i know is i desperately wish i was in venice today. enjoying carnevale. and indulging as only roman catholic italians can!

the call of the Father.



sitting in church on thursday night i got this craving--a full-body calling.

to go to rome.

and sit in the cool, dark churches.

to saturate myself in the history of my religion.

to begin at the beginning.

the very beginning.

the ritual: incense. sign of the cross. prostration before the alter.

to feel God.

but not to pray.

to listen.

to sit and listen.

to kneel and listen.

to stand humbled before the yawning eclipse of eternity and listen.

and to allow the answer to erupt before me.

to give a direction to this directionless life.





but because i cannot go to rome.
i bought a fresh copy of beach music and called it a day. (or at least a start).